Adventures in Flight: Skip to the Loo, My Darling

Penguin and plane will travel

You'd think, with all the countries to which I've visited, I'd be more than capable in choosing the correct rest room when the need arises. Well, I do a very good job at it. In fact, I seem to have a more difficult time deciphering the crazy gender codes used in the States. We can be pretty crafty when coming up with rest room door signs. We've all seen the stick figures, or “Dames and Gents. Recently, I saw doors in Seattle- one said “Sitting” while the other said “Standing”. Could be confusing for a guy needing to do number two. Whether it's Caballeros, Men, Hombres, or just an M on the door, I very rarely have an issue.

I once had to make an emergency stop while driving through a city on the interstate. Upon seeing a Target store, I thought, 'that should be a clean facility in which to sit.' It was early in the day and the parking lot was near empty. I walked rather quickly into the main entrance, happy to see the restrooms immediately to my left. I looked up quickly and saw “Men” and went right in. It was very clean and I had the whole room to myself. I did my business and as I was washing my hands, was shocked to see a woman enter, followed by a second. Looking at the ground to avoid eye-contact as I made a hasty departure...without drying my hands...I discovered that the “Men” sign was actually a “Women” sign, but the “Wo” part was hidden behind part of a wall. Had I kept looking as I rounded the corner, I might have noticed my folly.

Lady and Gentle restroom sign in Beijing

A few months ago, I was on holiday in Chile and was at a fine dining establishment in Valparaiso. When we arrived, the first thing I wanted to do was wash my hands and make room for the copious amounts of wine I was about to consume. The rest room was just outside in a central atrium. It was very deluxe. I looked at one sign, and then the other. I was not familiar with either. Realizing I was in a country where Spanish was the official language, I entered the door that had the more masculine sounding name. It was a very nice facility, floral aroma, nice art. This was, indeed, a nice restaurant. This was also, indeed, the women's rest room!

Ladies sign in Chile

So I marveled on a recent Buenos Aires layover with fellow flight crew in yet another very nice restaurant. After a few glasses of wine and some loosening chatter, I was the first in need of finding the facilities. Door one had a boot. Door two had a ballet slipper. Cute, and obvious. I would make no mistake this time. I commented on the clever use of foot wear signage when I returned to the table.

Signage in Peru

Our first officer was the next to use the facilities, and a few minutes later was followed by the bunkie pilot, who, on this trip, was a female. As she got up, the first officer said, “It's the first door on the right.” He was joking, as that was the door with the boot, so of course she returned with a humorous comment and evil glare at the first officer, and soon the whole table was laughing about restroom humor. You can dress us up...but wit plus wine often ends up going down the drain.

Adventures in Flight: So What is it that you...do do?

Everyone, it seems, can relate to the airline industry. Everyone has airline stories- good and bad- and seems to love sharing them, regardless of who might listen. Most times, I'm happy to talk shop with others, that's what having Airline Disease is all about. But there are times when I enjoy one of the more popular perks of being a flight attendant- not taking the job home.

You may have flown next to a flight attendant and not realized it. We are keen to changing out of uniform any time we can and many flight attendants are even known to hide bag tags that can give them away. I know when I get a first class seat, I want to fit in and just be a customer; able to enjoy the privilege of flying in first without being looked down upon as just an employee by someone who paid thousands of dollars to sit next to me (I know, I'm worth it!).

Many flight attendants keep an assortment of stories at the ready for the question, “What is it that you do for a living?,” but are just not in the mood to hear horror stories or to be asked a ton of questions. Imagine a long day flying across timezones, dealing with screaming, unruly kids, attention-needy business passengers and the companion animal who tried to bite you every time you walked past. You get to your layover hotel, starving and in need of an adult beverage. You plop your bags down, shower the day's scum from your body, dress in humane clothes made of natural fibers and find your way to the hotel bar. Ah, human time, at last. Then the person next to you, already on their 4^th beer asks what you do for a living.

Some of the better skilled flight crew are quick to bring out one of an assortment of talk-killing jobs; “I'm here for a plumbing convention,” or “I'm an accountant for a bakery that specializes in fruit cakes,” or, “Oh, I'm just a process server, still looking for my piggie. So, what's your name?” Yes, the faces are often priceless and it squeezes the life out of the desire to get to know you. “I'll have the flat-bread pizza and keep the 'Ritas flowing, Barkeep!” Peace at last!

One of the riskiest things about this job is being in a metal tube with germ-carrying folk who love to share them. I'm always afraid my doctor is going to think I'm a hypochondriac, but fortunately, the tests are always coming up positive for this and that. In the past year, I've had Type-A influenza, numerous colds and now, strep throat twice! So off to the doctor I go. It was a slow Saturday at the clinic, (my regular doctor's office was closed) so I got to see every staff member in attendance, you know, to justify the numbers. Check-in lady needs this filled out and a copy of my ID. Nurse 1 takes my temp and vitals. Nurse 2 takes my history. The doctor comes in and this is where it all falls apart.

After asking if anyone in my household is ill, he asks what I do for a living. I tell him, and am next asked for which airline. With the straightest of face he then has the balls to ask me if I could get him a discount ticket. Really? I didn't think I had a fever, surely I'm hallucinating. “I can buy you a drink,” I shoot back, dryly.

Doctor Nuts goes into a few minutes of wondering why ticket prices don't go down when gas prices do and how you buy a ticket thinking you have a great deal, but then find that you have to pay for this and that and if the bag is over 40 pounds you pay another $5 per pound and suddenly I am not listening to him any longer, but begin looking at the art selected for the walls of the exam room and wondering why it is that I can't get my photos in a place like this. If I didn't look sick before, my face was contorted in pain now from hearing him drone on and on and he picked up the pace, perhaps afraid I was about to pass out.

He finishes his portion of the visit and nurse 1 returns. She must have spoken to Dr. Nuts about me and wants to know if I know her sister, who also flies for my airline. Of course, I don't, and I just want my shot and prescription so I can go back to my little cave I’ve made in my bed at home. A typical guy, I don't do 'ill' very well.

I'm asked to see the receptionist to handle the last of my paperwork and she, too, had a bad flight she just had to share. I've heard the stories, and I drown her out as I listen to a woman in the waiting area who in the next 4 minutes would say the word, “like” at least 30 times. “It was, like, the best thing I had like, ever seen. And he was all like, I told you. Like, didn't you hear me say that before? But I was like, well, you like, say that stuff all the time, and like, I just sort of like, ignore it...” Were there a gun within reach I'm not sure if I'd have shot her, or like, maybe myself!

Feeling bad is bad. Feeling good is where it's at. Feeling bad and having to hear someone's negative stories about your career is worse. Maybe for this doctor's visit, I should have said I collect deceased animals for the city. No one likes to talk about road kill, or if they do, that might be one interesting conversation.